Little Tim Kisses Again

This would have been Tim's first kiss if my mom hadn't been so quick to get away.

In 3rd grade, I proposed to Anna Foret at the water fountain. She said yes, so instead of hanging out, we both awkwardly ran off to tell our friends. Everyone was elated to hear the news. There hadn't been a good engagement at all this year, and this was right in time for winter to start rearing its head, so it just felt right.

We walk out to the soccer field followed by (what I remember being) a crowd of cheering pre-adolescents. We strut in long strides, holding each others' hands, but looking straight ahead. I thought I would melt.

When we get to the middle of the field, we look at each other and almost instantaneously both realize we have no idea what comes next. Bill, the class clown, steps up and says "You guys are going to have to french kiss. That's what adults do."

All the boys and girls start screaming and split off into respective gender groups to find out if any other of the boys and girls actually knows what a french kiss is. One guy thought it was where you flutter your eyelids together, one guy thought it was where you hold hands and both blow into the chamber the hand-holding made, but Bill actually knew what it was: kissing with tongue.

As we reconvene, my heart is racing. I don't think I'd kissed anyone more than twice, much less with my tongue, and I'm pretty sure I didn't understand or even want a tongue on me. Anna and I look into each others eyes and both sigh deeply. Bill jabs me. "Get on with it, man!"

I close my eyes and lean in for the kiss. I lick something, but it doesn't feel like skin, so I open my eyes to see the back of her shirt as she's running away. If I knew who Richard Gere was, I'd probably feel a lot like him.

When I get home, my mother asks me how my day was. Showing off, I said "Great! I french kissed Anna Foret and we're married now!"

My mom immediately starts laughing. "Do you even know what a French Kiss is?"

I respond: "Of course, mom. I'm not a Kindergartner."

She looks a little worried, then sees through my lie, and keeps playing along. "Tell me what it is, then, Romeo."

My brother, hearing this entire conversation, is in agony; unable to wait for me to explain, he runs to my mother and screams "Let it out, mom! What is it?"

My mother sits us down and explains: "When two people love each other very much, they kiss with tongue to show their love. Now, whether or not Daniel actually did this is a mystery, but I don't think he and Anna have known each other long enough to actually do this, so I HOPE he's doing a little bit of fibbing."

Tim thinks about this for a second, while my mom is still leaned down next to him and takes the initiative. He screams "I LOVE YOU MOM," and hurls his tongue toward her.

She stands up, only to have her knee licked, then falls down in a fit of laughter. Both relieved and humored, she screams "John!" and runs upstairs to tell my father.